cadet_amara | Late Night Wanderings

San Francisco was a different place at 3am. All the Academy cadets were gone, a few may be up studying, some may have other nocturnal activities, but most were probably sound asleep. Amara hadn't found sleep very rejuvenating lately. Something was troubling her. She felt unsettled. She knew it was effecting her performance. So far in the past two days she had managed to crash her simulator shuttle into the sun, something she managed to do every time, much to the amusement of her instructor, and wrote what Admiral O'Donnell called the "worst report ever submitted by a cadet in Starfleet history." As much as she hated to admit it he probably wasn't exaggerating. She was struggling in everything. There wasn't a single class she was doing well in and she was quickly discovering the list of regulations for cadets was mind-boggling long, because almost everything she did was met with "that's against regulations, cadet."

It could not be more obvious that she didn't belong here. Everyone here seemed to be so... high-minded... idealistic. Everyone had drive, confidence, and while she had the drive she was quickly beginning to lose confidence. Faith was never something Amara had a lot of. She tended to see the dark before the light. Maybe that was why she preferred the night. These late night walks probably broke some regulation or another, and it didn't help she preferred to be out of uniform, but at this point she didn't care. She was sure she'd be kicked out next semester, why not provide more powder for the cannon?

She turned a corner, choosing a street she'd never been down before. Every night she chose a new path. She never paid much attention to where she was going, but she somehow always ended up in the same place. There was probably some mathematical reason for that, and she was probably supposed to know it, she was apparently supposed to know a lot of things she didn't, and she was damn tired of the surprised and slightly disappointed look she'd get when she didn't. She knew people were just itching to ask "do you know ANYTHING?"

Amara wondered how she even got into the Academy at all. The only reason she completed the application at all was because the guidance counselor at school had laughed at her when she mentioned she was thinking about it. She had never dreamed she'd be accepted, and when she found out she was for the first time she felt... well... hopeful. Was it possible she was good enough? She wanted to do it. She wanted to become someone better. She wanted to leave that angry little girl behind and become... Starfleet.

.She had actually felt proud the first time she put on her cadet uniform. Proud. Amara had never really had anything to be proud of. Now, more and more the fabric felt constricting... as if it was strangling her. That was why these late night walks were always without uniform. She could finally breathe. All day long she felt like she was suffocating, now she felt free.

Free to do what though? She knelt down on the path by the water and leaned her head against a metal railing. She could see the bridge from here. This was the same place she always ended up. The first night she had run there as hard as she could, like she was escaping, then promptly thrown up over the edge into the water. Not her most dignified moment, and she had no idea why she had felt the need to run. It was fight or flight, and apparently she preferred flight. Now panic didn't really grip her as much as general restlessness, melancholy, and the feeling of complete and utter failure.

She sighed, pressing her forehead to the rail. It felt nice and cool against her skin. She needed that. Needed to cool down. Needed something steady to lean on for a little while. She knew she probably looked ridiculous, though if anyone happened upon her they'd probably think she'd had too much to drink and move on.

"This isn't going to work." She said to herself. "The more I try, the more I fail. I'm just not good enough." She was never one for a pep talk, and preferred honesty. Amara had never shied away from the truth, even if it was something she didn't want to hear.

Just because something is impossible doesn't mean you don't try. She had said that to her counselor, and had truly believed it. She still believed it. "Is it really worth it?" She asked herself. With a heavy sigh she realized that she honestly didn't know the answer anymore.