The history paper [for no_dryer_box]

[cadet_amara]

Amara leaned back in her chair with a satisfied sigh. She had finally finished her history paper, and it felt great to be done. She had done a lot for this one. Read the research, found specific examples to prove her point, thesis, research, quotations, footnotes, works cited, it was all there. As she read through it again she couldn't help but feel a little proud. She actually sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

It helped she had picked a topic she actually knew a little bit about and was interested in. The Effect of Imperialism on Modern India. Granted she hadn't been to India since she was seven, but it was still home in a way. She got the idea when she couldn't sleep one night and decided to watch an old Bollywood movie and noticed how English words just slipped in seemingly effortlessly with the Hindi.  So... she focused on how Imperialism had such a huge impact on India's culture. It was quite possibly the longest and most detailed paper she ever wrote. She just hoped Admiral Pike liked it.

He had asked her to turn it in face to face. She cringed a little thinking about that because when you're asked to turn something in face to face it's never good. Normally it's so they can point out all the things you did wrong to your face. She wasn't really in the mood to have her work picked apart today, but Admiral Pike had given her until 1700 hours to turn it in so she may as well get it over with.

With a sigh she got up and went to his office. She really hoped he liked the paper... she wasn't in the mood to be criticized.

 

Comments

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

When Pike heard his office door chime, he knew exactly who it was, Cadet Smith hopefully with her paper and not some excuse as to why it wasn't done.

"Come in", he said as he put whatever he was working on in his desk.

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

Amara felt like she was going to be sick as she entered his office. She hated having her work read right in front of her, which was what he was sure to do.

"It's finished sir." She said, handing him her assignment. She shifted nervously on her feet, fighting the urge to run out the door.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"Have a seat", he said as he took her paper and started to read.

He was fully expecting the appearance of ninjas, John Wayne, car chases or some other such garbage and after skimming over the first page he hadn't seen any. Luckily, he was also good at hiding how he felt.

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

Amara sat silently, but could not sit still. Her eyes darted around his office, searching for something to distract her while he read her work. She crossed her arms protectively, then realized that stance could be considered hostile and uncrossed her arms. She crossed her ankles, then uncrossed them and bounced her knee a little. Finally, she settled on examining her nails. They were getting pretty long, maybe she should trim them or something... the creamy colored paint she'd used on them was starting to chip... she wondered what color she should try next...

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

Pike stopped reading about a third of the way through the second page. It was really well written and obviously took a lot of time and effort on the part of the Cadet. If there weren't a few punctuation errors he would have sworn she just copied it out of some database somewhere.

"This is an excellent paper," he said, "But it makes me wonder, why don't you put this much effort into all of your work? You're certainly capable."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

Amara's head suddenly snapped up. It was as if a switch went off in her head. She felt the blood rushing to her face and all she could hear was a loud roaring in her ears. "Excuse me?! Why don't I put this much effort into all my work?? What the hell!"

She was out of her seat without even remembering getting up, her hands clinched in fists so tight she could feel her nails cutting into her palms but she didn't care. "I have worked that hard for twelve goddamn years and all I ever hear is "why don't you do better?" "why can't you just try harder?" It's never enough is it?! I'm SICK OF IT!! I'm tired of being told by some jackass instructor that I need to do more when I haven't slept right in years and all I need to do is work harder and believe in myself and all that bullshit!! I QUIT!!"

She was so mad she was shaking, and couldn't see straight as she turned on her heels to leave. Her breathing was hard and her face was bright red, but she would not cry. She refused to give anyone that kind of satisfaction.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

At the moment he was done being the understanding instructor, "Cadet Smith. Sit. Down." It was an order, and from the tone of his voice, it was not the type of order any sane person would think of disobeying, military or not.

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She turned back around and sat, keeping her back stiff and still clenching her fists tightly. She may have obeyed and sat but she was still glaring at him defiantly, as if she were daring him to continue the conversation.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"In case you didn't hear the beginning of what I told you, I said this was an excellent paper."

Pike paused letting that sink in, "However, considering your passed written assignments that you've handed into me featured such things as John F. Kennedy being President of the United States in the 1860's, I can't help but wonder where this paper came from. I do believe you wrote it, and I think it's something you should be proud of."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

"Maybe I finally did something right for a change." She muttered, her brown eyes still blazing with anger. She knew it was sulking and probably stupid, and she sounded like an angry teenager, but she didn't care. She was tired of being told to just 'put in more effort'. She got dates and people confused, she couldnt' help it.

Slowly it started to sink in... Did I just call the Admiral a jackass? She thought, running through what she said when she was raving in her read. Oh shit this is going to be bad...

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

He chose to ignore being called a jackass, he'll chalk it up to anger and let it go this time.

"Have you found an answer to the question?"

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

"What question?" She was calming down a little, at least enough to think a little more clearly. However, she still felt like the angry teenager, and resisted the urge to look away in a pout. Instead she kept her eyes locked firmly on him, as if she were trying to silently communicate that she wasn't afraid of him. That wasn't really true, but she had learned early on never to let on she was afraid when she was in a fight.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"The one that asks why everyone thinks you need to put more effort into your work. Since I'm not the only jackass who thinks you could do this well all the time."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

"I do put this much effort into all my work. I've never half-assed anything in my life." She sighed. It was the truth. Since her first day of school when she was eight and realized all the other kids could read and write she'd fought to catch-up. Now, after twelve years of that, she was exhausted. "Which is why I don't think I'm cut out for this, sir."

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"You need to believe you can do this. You can. You proved it here. I believe you can, so why don't you?"

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

"I'm not good enough. I... I've never been good enough... for anyone. I'm not smart enough." She felt like crying but she refused to let a single tear fall. She felt like her shoulders had the weight of entire worlds on them. She was exhausted, frustrated, and completely over it all. She just wanted to find one thing she was good at. One thing she could be best at for once in her life. But that was never going to happen. "I'm tired of trying to catch up to where I should be."

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"Based on this, you're caught up. Your math scores are getting better, I think you're doing fine."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

With a sigh she looked up at the ceiling. He didn't get it and she had no idea how to make him understand. "I'm sure there are still erros." She knew her writing lacked something to be desired. "All I can ever hope for is.... average." She wanted to be good at something.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"This was good and you can hope for a lot better than average."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She looked at him and shook her head a little. "I've only ever been any good at cooking, baking, and getting in trouble."

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"And I've had enough of that attitude. You've been here a few weeks and I have not seen a hint of you only getting in trouble. You need to stop with that."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She looked down at her hands and blinked rapidly. No matter what she would not cry. She felt so beat down and defeated by everything and didn't feel like there was anyone who would understand where she was coming from. "Yes sir..." She managed to mumble.

She would almost rather be yelled at. At least she knew how to respond to yelling. This she didn't know what to make of, so she sat still, keeping her head down, waiting for him to finish so she could go.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"As far as I'm concerned you're performing your assignments with expected accuracy. There is room for improvement and that's what you've been doing."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

Amara had a feeling that was as much encouragement as she was going to get... funny how she didn't feel very inspired or encouraged at all.

Well, she couldn't wilt and back away, and she certainly couldn't keep expressing the feeling of inadequacy and misery she was feeling. Time to put on the good cadet act.

After a second she lifted her eyes back to him, doing her best to keep a neutral expression. "Yes sir. Thank you sir." Her tone was a little... dead... but she figured he probably wouldn't notice.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

Of course he noticed, there was a reason Starfleet made him the executive recruting officer. He could spot a line of bullshit 20 lightyears away.

"Do you really think I'm just going to buy that and let you walk out of here?"

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

I really hoped you would She thought, sighing a little. "Well... judging by that comment... no sir."

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"So, since you've done nothing but preform your duties as assigned as well as you can. You're learning, so things aren't perfect and that's fine. That's the point of learning."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She raised an eyebrow. "Then why did you ask me why I 'don't put that much effort into all my work' sir?"

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"Your written work usually leaves something to be desired."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She took a second to think of a response. Pause. Count to ten. Don't explode again. She told herself.

"I always put all my effort into my work, sir. It just..." She sighed a little, trying to think of how to explain her academic difficulties. "It's all jumbled up... facts... events... people. It's difficult to learn history when the story is so... fragmented."

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

Pike nodded a little, glad she finally gave him something to work with.

"Alright...well...we can do something about that."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

"Sort out all of history?" She was feeling overwhelmed again, the very idea made her head swim. Still... if she had to do it she would... she'd find a way to get it done... she just wasn't sure how. The textbooks weren't much help. She never retained information well when she only read it, and that seemed to be the preferred way to study history.

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"Making a timeline could help, perhaps choose one or two important events and plot them out. This way, when other events reference the ones on the timeline you understand where they fit."

Pike was back to being the helpful instructor.

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She nodded a little, thinking that was going to turn into one massive timeline. "Maybe... by region?"

[no-dryer-box.livejournal.com]

"Now you're thinking."

[cadet-amara.livejournal.com]

She smiled a little. Maybe it was managable. She was starting to feel a little better now, and saw a small glimmer of hope for once. However, there was still one very big problem. "Sir... I'm still having a hard time with the text. I read it... but I don't retain any of it." Actually, she barely understood it at all, and try as she might she could barely get through a chapter.