cadet_amara | Field Training Log #2

There have been a lot of ups and downs recently. I am learning. I’m getting better. However, I’m not sure this is the best place for field training. Many of the crew members seem to be unprepared to be teachers, probably because many of them are fresh out of the Academy themselves. I certainly have gotten my share of looks when I ask certain questions. The look I know very well of “What? You don’t know this?”, obviously I don’t. That’s why I’m here to learn. My incident in engineering was not only a result of a mistake on my part, but the person who was supposed to be helping me ignored my question and told me I’d “figure it out”. Well… I figured out what not to do anyway… At this rate I’m never going to get anywhere near the helm, which is unfortunate as that’s where I want to be. Guess that makes sense though, don’t let the person who crashed the simulator shuttle into the sun fly the ship. I know I shouldn’t, but I still have to question the wisdom in putting the most ill prepared cadet on the flagship for field training. Too many things I can break.

I’ve been trying to be more social, as I was advised. I really am making an effort. Unfortunately, I don’t have much experience trying to make friends, and I feel like a lot of my attempts are a little… hollow? I don’t know, a lot of the time I feel like I’m play acting. My part is the cheerful little cadet who bakes brownies for people. Except, I’m not sure if I’m exactly cheerful. I figured people like cheerful, so I’ve been attempting to act that way, or at least not be so depressing. It’s not really me though. I honestly don’t think people would like me if I just acted like myself. Maybe if I keep pretending I’ll become a better person?

Since my brother’s death I’ve been thinking a lot about family. I always wanted one, but was secretly afraid to have one. My mother never really cared for me. My brother did. I’m quite certain he’s the only reason why I didn’t die when I was a toddler. However, he ran away when I was five, and I think that was the beginning of when I stopped really trusting people. I never trusted any of my foster families, because if you keep people out it won’t hurt when they leave you. I think my entire life has been led by that philosophy. Keep people at a distance, that way they can’t hurt you. I think the people on this ship form a family in a way. How could they not? They rely on each other. They need to trust each other. And they’re stuck with each other whether they like it or not. However, when the mission is over, what happens to that family?

I’m trying. I really am. But it’s hard to trust people. I always feel like people are going to step on me to get ahead. I know not everyone is like that but it’s hard to get over some of these ridiculous lessons I learned as a child. I’m still resisting the urge to swipe the ship’s china for god’s sake. Actually, I’m very proud of myself for not resorting to petty theft as stress relief. My old therapist used to say I steal when I’m nervous or anxious about something, and I’ve been nothing but nervous and anxious since I got here (but no worries sir, I haven’t stolen anything since I was seventeen. Those charges were added to my impressive juvenile record which was sealed when I was eighteen. Just saying… you don’t have to report anything). So the fact that I haven’t stolen anything says a lot about my growth as a person, or at least I think it does.

About the only area where I haven’t seen any improvement is my insomnia. I tried the tea and I’m taking the pills but I’m still not sleeping well. I’m falling asleep faster, but now I’m just waking up from those nightmares more frequently. There’s no going to sleep after that, so I usually end up watching old Bollywood movies. Though on the plus side it appears I still remember my Hindi. Overall though I’d say things are improving. My outlook is at least, I’ve never been a very good judge of my own work, but I’d like to think there’s improvement there too. It’s like I’ve been fighting my whole life, and while it would be nice to feel like I’m actually getting somewhere, at least I appear to be pointed in the right direction. That’s a start, isn’t it?