Field Training Log #1
Aug. 11th, 2009 04:57 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cadet_amaraI’ve never been very good at keeping logs. Growing up I really didn’t want to take the time to reflect on my life so I never kept a journal or diary, and when I had to for school I usually made it up. Now, I’ve been told I have to keep a log for my field training, which will be turned in to be reviewed by my supervisor from the Academy. So, that being said, Admiral Pike, I do apologize for you having to look over this log. I’ll keep the crap to a minimum.
My first impressions of the Enterprise have ranged from awe to absolute terror. So when I saw the ship I was excited. This could be the opportunity of a lifetime and any cadet would kill for this spot (ok… maybe not kill… but probably maim or infect with a nasty disease or something) and that led me to wonder what idiot thought I should get it. My grades were horrible, I got threatened with expulsion at least twice already, and I have yet to successfully land a shuttle in the simulations without it crashing and/or exploding. Not exactly good for someone who wants to be a pilot. What my advisor was thinking when he sat down and said, “Hey! I have an idea! Let’s send Smith to the Enterprise!” I have no idea. I suspect he was either on some powerful medications or had a grudge against someone on the Enterprise or possibly both.
But… I digress…. I was talking about awe and terror. My log entries will need themes as in case you can’t tell, I tend to get off the point, and the theme of this particularly entry will be awe and terror. So let’s start with awe. The ship is absolutely beautiful. I honestly felt like I was falling into one of those old movies I used to watch as a little girl… you know… where everyone and everything is impossibly beautiful? I half expect people to burst into song and dance like in those old Bollywood films half the time. Though with a little less dramatic flare and melodrama… ok maybe not less… I’ve observed the crew enough to know there is enough drama there to make any film director drool. There are far too many confident and pretty people on this ship. You know how when you meet someone and you immediately get the feeling they’re the star of the movie? Like when they enter a room and there’s a bright flash of light and a lens flare and you immediately know that they’re the important character? Yeah, seems like everyone I’ve met is like that. Dramatic, bold, heroic…. It’s all very awe inspiring and at the same time a little depressing. I’m more of the background character. That girl walking around doing things in the background that supports the main character, and I’m damn lucky to be just that (by the way am I allowed to swear in a log? Seems I should be as it’s supposed to be my thoughts…).
Everyone seems to have some sort of personal relationship with their own little group here. I mean, I know that’s to be expected… I did listen to the lectures on comradery and all of that… but I’ve always known I’m not one to have friends. I’ve been told I’m anti-social. Someone asked me what my favorite bars were in San Francisco… truth is I never went to any. All those “getting to know your classmates” workshops and bull shit just annoyed me. I’ve always known I’m not the type of person people want to have around, why force me to socialize to confirm that? I have, however, spent a couple of evenings with Lieutenant Commander Giotto so I guess that counts as socializing? I’m not quite sure how to classify that particular relationship… if you can call it that... I don't know... and there are things that I'm not going to get into here. The only reason I’m mentioning it is because I don’t want anyone to think I’m locking myself in my quarters every night and crying in the dark or something. I’m not much of a crier and honestly the dark will do me absolutely no good. I don’t find it comforting at all. I need sunlight… or the next best thing… sunlamps. I’ve definitely been suffering because of lack of sunlight. Maybe it’s because I’m Indian but I’ve never done very well in cold or dark climates, and now I’m on a starship… yeah dumb move on my part I guess. Lieutenant Sulu was kind enough to suggest the sunlamps in the botany lab, and that seems to have helped a little. I certainly feel more energized now. He was also nice enough to offer to help me with my ridiculously brown thumb and teach me how to grow plants without killing them. That was very nice of him, and I’m always grateful to learn anything from anyone (really, not just saying that to look good). Willingness to learn was never my problem. My problem is that I’ve always been too far behind… but let’s not get into that.
So I’d say I’ve covered awe enough. On to terror. Yes, I am absolutely terrified that I’m here. There are way too many things I can mess up. I wasn’t joking when I told Admiral Pike my success was not blowing up the ship yet. Seriously, I feel like THAT is an accomplishment considering the source. I haven’t slept well since I got here, and I don’t think people can function very well off of about two to three hours of sleep a night. I finally did fall asleep last night, but then I woke up with this nasty nightmare and couldn’t get back to sleep. You know that feeling when you wake up and your heart is pounding and you’re all sweaty and shaking and you just can’t get your breathing back under control? Yeah, not pleasant, and there’s absolutely no getting back to sleep after that, so I ended up just staring at the ceiling for hours with an impending sense of dread. I know I should do something about the lack of sleep but I hate taking sleep aides. I’ve always refused them, and I probably always will… so we’ll see what happens.
In conclusion so far I have found field training both inspiring and terrifying. I have also found myself to continue to be pretty anti-social, though I am improving in regards to that behavior. If nothing else I’m honest with myself about these things. I think everyone is probably a little afraid of something sometimes, though a lot of people won’t ever admit that, even to themselves. Someone once told me that you have to admit your flaws and weaknesses to overcome them. I have never had a problem with the admitting part; it’s the overcoming part I can’t quite get right. I guess that’s something else I need to work on. It’s all so very overwhelming.
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no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 07:07 pm (UTC)From: Admiral Christopher Pike
Subj: Field Training Log Comments--Confidential
***
Cadet,
Allow me to address some of the points you brought up.
1. You did not "keep the crap to a minimum".
2. I was the idiot who thought you should get this position.
3. If you want a theme, that's fine. Be sure it follows your theme.
4. You need to improve your social skills, perhaps you should aspire to be a little more like the person that wrote this log, it wouldn't be such an issue for you.
5. You need friends out here, to quote something from a few hundred years ago, "In space, no one can hear you scream."
6. I'm glad you found a hobby.
7. I do not need to hear about your personal endeavors with Lieutenant Commander Giotto. I would like to avoid being implicated in future sexual harassment suits.
8. I am sorry about the nightmares.
9. Have a little more faith in your abilities. You can do this. If I thought otherwise, this idiot would not have requested your field training here.
10. Get some sleep. Yes, that is an order. I'm sure Dr. McCoy would have no issues confining you to quarters if need be.
This was a...very personal log. But not bad for a first time out. So, I think a B is fair.
Keep up the good work,
C.R. Pike
no subject
Date: 2009-08-12 09:50 pm (UTC)From: Cadet Amara Smith
Subj: RE: Field Training Log Comments--Confidential
***
Sir, I have a few questions about your comments if you don't mind?
-Cadet Smith
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Date: 2009-08-13 05:01 am (UTC)What's the matter?
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